*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
BRAKING NEWS!!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds