I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
You Might Also Like
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs