“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
We need more people like this.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Accurate
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
this is literally a CIA plant
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.