I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Still my favourite meme.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg