Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers