My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*