He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
This is hilarious….
The real reason evolution started..😂
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
How it started How it’s going
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU