[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
How funny!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time