I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me driving through Toronto
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
The options really are this bad
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
that de-escalated quickly
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.