*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Story of my life…..
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police