I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
it was love at first sight
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Tastes like chicken.
dutch so unserious
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it