The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.