Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.