[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.