How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.