I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
the dark web is just a goth google.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.