Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
This is the best one I’ve seen
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes