Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
You Might Also Like
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.