Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
*goes into kitchen
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper
“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)