@trevso_electric Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
@uhhhhhoksure My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
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@trevso_electric 
@tastefactory Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
@sageboggs “Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
@BonaFideIntent Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
@UncleDuke1969 *goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
@SCbchbum Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
@ilovepie84 When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
@Home_Halfway Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
@TheCatWhisprer [on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
@erica_rosie Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)