My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

You Might Also Like


Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.


Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself


“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
I’m bagnostic


Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*


*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper




Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?


When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?


Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)