My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?