Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years