Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.