Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Don’t forget to tip your server