For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me refusing to leave twitter
…żyje?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Proctology is located in A55
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING