[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
You Might Also Like
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I think the cat got the dog high.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it