My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
This could be us but you eatin’
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
how to have fun when you’re poor
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow