you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.