onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead