This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Does it…does it take 3 days
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”