A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Truth
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.