If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.