Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.