I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Cndnsd Mlk
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Brb my Sims are getting married
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.