[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.