Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Bros before Ohioes
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand