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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
No regrets in 2018
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird