Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
You Might Also Like
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
back to work
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.