Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
PLOT TWIST:
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
black phone good