Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
<- sleeps well with others
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.