I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
i made a craigslist ad !
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on