my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Easy enough.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?