Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You Might Also Like
What the hell happened here.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.