washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.