Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
classic mixup
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself