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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!