Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Oh no
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.