AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.