You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.