Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.