You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
giddy up Office Depot