When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
no one ever comes back
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.